Who Are You, Really?

Hey there,

Yoela here, coming at you with another edition of Anti Status Quo. Grab a seat (or stand if you're into that whole standing desk thing), because we're about to dive into a topic that's been consuming my thoughts lately: the maze of personal identity in our hyper-connected world.

You know how everyone seems to have a label for themselves these days? Well, I've been wondering if we've got it all wrong. 🤔 We're constantly trying to fit ourselves into these pre-defined boxes, but what if our identities are way more fluid and complex than that?

A couple of weekends ago, I asked my parents a seemingly simple question: "How do you define your identity?" Their response? "Jewish Russian American." My mom then started shuffling the order, saying, "Russian Jewish American." I couldn't help but ask—does the order really matter?

Cue the inevitable mom-splanation: "You always start with your ethnicity. That's the Jew in us. Then comes Russian (our culture and heritage), and American? That's just the passport and the country we chose to assimilate into."

This got me thinking—what even is heritage and ethnicity? Is it language? Culture? Traditions passed down through generations? And how does heritage shift when your family moves from land to land, soaking up different cultures for hundreds of years?

So why are we all so obsessed with defining our identity? It boils down to finding our people, our community. Despite the modern obsession with "independence" and "individuality," we're social creatures—we thrive in groups. That's why identity feels so crucial, and also why it's so complicated when there's this constant tug-of-war between individuality and community.

This struggle became personal for me recently. Growing up in Moscow during the Soviet Union, openly expressing Jewish identity wasn't encouraged, so both of my parents kept it quiet. My family could have ended up in Israel or Austria if life had taken a slightly different turn. I've got Israeli relatives who, like me, ended up somewhere by chance, and others scattered across Canada and Germany. It's made me realize how much our identity can be shaped by circumstances beyond our control, yet we cling to these labels as if they define us completely.

My own identity has shifted at least three times over the past 12 years, thanks to a mix of life experiences and changing perspectives. There's more to unpack, but one thing's clear—identity is fluid, and maybe that's exactly the battle we are all facing. In today's hyper-connected world, personal identity feels less like a permanent label and more like an ever-evolving playlist of influences. It's a mashup of our roots—heritage, culture, values—and all the experiences, relationships, and memes we pick up along the way.

Growing up in San Francisco while attending a Jewish Orthodox school was like living in two worlds that were constantly pulling me in opposite directions. The contrast was stark and often confusing. At my Orthodox school, I was immersed in a deeply religious environment where expectations around faith, modesty, and tradition were non-negotiable. The teachings instilled a fear of disobeying G-d or challenging family values. But step outside, and I was in liberal San Francisco, where questioning norms was celebrated. This clash made me constantly question what was truly 'right' or 'wrong'.

Add to that the fact that my family was struggling financially while I attended an affluent Reform Jewish school on scholarship. I was the kid who couldn't afford fancy trips or gadgets, often feeling like an outsider. It's no wonder I found solace in the school's computer lab, losing myself in coding to escape the judgment and expectations.

Navigating these challenges required me to embrace the contradictions in my life rather than shy away from them. I learned to compartmentalize different aspects of myself—honoring the values of my heritage and family while also allowing myself the freedom to explore and question the world around me.

So, how do I maintain a sense of self across these various roles now? Here's what I've figured out so far:

1. I embrace all my identities, simultaneously. I'm not just Jewish or Russian or American or a tech founder. I'm all of these things, all at once.

2. I create rituals for reflection. Sometimes it's as simple as a morning journaling session or a walk in nature.

3. I lean into my non-traditional background. It gives me a unique perspective that's invaluable in my work and personal life.

4. I create communities where I belong. This newsletter? It's part of that.

5. I'm constantly redefining what success means to me. It's not about fitting into someone else's box anymore.

Recently, a CEO coach asked me a question that stopped me in my tracks: "How does your ego or survival self measure success, and how does your higher and thriving self measure success?" Let me tell you, my answer to this changes depending on the day and what's going on in my life. But it's a question I keep coming back to, especially when I feel lost or unsure.

In the end, what I'm really saying is that identity is messy and complicated, constantly shifting and evolving. Perhaps the real challenge isn't in defining ourselves, but in learning to embrace and navigate the complexity of who we are.

What about you? How do you navigate the twists and turns of your identity? I'd love to hear your stories - the messy, the complicated, the beautiful.

Until next time, keep questioning those norms!

Yoela

P.S. Remember that whiteboard session I mentioned last time? We're making it happen! If you're interested in joining a group of founders & CEOs to brainstorm and tackle real business problems, sign up here. And yes, there might be sushi involved! 🍣